Keep going
The question I had to answer first, in order to change my life.
Over the past 18 months, I’ve questioned everything.
Should I keep going? What for?
Should I be doing this kind of work?
What am I doing wrong? Why is this happening to me?
Should I get a job? What job? What am I qualified to do?
Does that mean I’m quitting?
Am I being selfish? Is my family suffering because of me?
Am I modeling traits I hope my kids adopt?
Should I work harder?
What else can I learn?
What do I really want?
Turn’s out, there’s another question I needed to ask myself first.
A lifelong story in a moment
I’ve been running New Haircut for 11 years. In parallel, I experienced personal and professional challenges that forced me to go deep, dig up, push through, and relearn. It’s been a long journey. And yet, it feels like everything became clear overnight. What happened?
A few weeks ago, I sat on the floor of my home office. Stretching in the dark, I got ready to start my day with a morning meditation. As I lay there, the typical early morning thoughts raced through my head. Of course there were the to-do’s and plans for the day. Much more prevalent were thoughts of worry, regret, and fear. They were all so sad.
Even though I’d been meditating for years, I rarely practiced mindfulness outside of those designated minutes of silence and stillness. This morning, for whatever reason, I decided to really take notice of my thoughts. I wondered, while resisting mightily the urge to self-judge and chew myself up further, Are these the thoughts I prime my brain with each morning? They were.
In that reflection, the expression ‘negative self talk’ finally made sense to me. After decades of hearing the phrase and questioning my relationship to it, only now did it rang true. It had never clicked before because I had always translated the word negative to mean cruel. Never had I considered that I might be talking negatively to myself with words that prompted sadness.
My whole life flashed before me. Scenes from childhood that I didn’t know I still had access to came rushing forward. Each memory reinforced a theme that I had taught myself early on in life — sadness can be a weapon to deploy. A tactic to remain small by playing victim. It was a place I hid for when things eventually went wrong — a place filled with excuses not to succeed.
In that moment, I discovered the fundamental question buried below all of the other questions I had been previously asking myself — What do I need to let go of? My answer was now blindingly clear. I was finally ready to let go of my relationship with this sad narrative I had developed to keep safe.
Since that morning, things continue to shift and open in curious ways. And yet, it’s important to express how long, isolating, and demanding journeys like this can be. There have been countless moments where I decided I wanted to give up. So many days of feeling like someone else was writing my story. Like I was stuck in autopilot, mistakenly blaming others for how things were turning out.
Only with the love and support of others was I able to keep at it. Most importantly, the love, support, and patience I gave myself.
And so, I’m sharing this experience to inspire you to keep going. To realize that the sharp points are there to wake you up and lean into. To believe every inspirational story you’ve heard, because one day you’ll be the person sharing yours for others who need to hear it.
Big and small changes
Here’s what’s been changing for me. First, there are the big things.
My openness to new opportunities has expanded, and with it, my confidence to take them on. As I’ve opened, others increasingly turn toward me, more open to engage in new and exciting ways. Opportunities I previously, subconsciously, may have pushed away, are suddenly all around me. Saying yes to them is happening with greater ease and velocity.
I’m more and more comfortable setting boundaries that would have previously been too awkward to get past. And each time I do, a better opportunity presents itself.
Challenges drop in, as they always do. Now, it’s becoming more obvious to see them, karmically, as the new possibilities they represent.
My relationships bloom at home and in my work. I apologize more readily. My phone buzzes more often. Strangers stop me. My Dad says “I love you” and I remember, in my body, how it felt to hear that as a boy… as his son.
I’m proud of myself. More so, I allow myself to be proud.
Also, the little things — things we tend to pass off as coincidences.
I think of people, some I haven’t seen in years, and they call or text moments later. My body craves healthier food. I sleep better.
I’m increasingly detached from the idea of fixing people or situations — especially their feelings about me, which I probably invented to begin with. This freedom gives me new reserves of energy.
I read something and see others mentioning it in unexpected settings. New people on a similar journey or at a similar vibration appear in my life.
Tears roll down my cheeks that used to remain welled up and hidden out of sight.
At times, the beauty of it all is overwhelming.
You’re ready
First, don’t question it. You’re reading this because you were meant to. You’re ready because you’re here.
It’s your turn now. I want you to really dig deep on that same question:
What do I need to let go of?
It will most likely be a persona you’ve developed to hide behind. A narrative you’ve been telling yourself — one you believe to your core. Question it. Pull it apart. Why do you believe that? What does it keep you safe from? By being that version of yourself, who are you hiding from becoming?
Three things to remember throughout this process
One, leave the criticism, regret, and self-judgement out of it. You’ve taken that approach your entire life. What good has it done for anyone? This persona lives and breathes only by you feeding it with perpetual analysis and self-berating. You’re going to begin breaking that cycle by feeding the good wolf.
Two, there is no right way to do this. Even if you feel worse at times — remain curious, kind, and detached from the stories. Realize that you’ll be dismantling a lifetime’s worth of bricks you’ve stacked up around you. Be patient. Take one brick down at a time. And remember the virtue of impermanence as you rebuild your new narrative.
Three, remind yourself over and over again of the notion that everyone is doing their best — including you.
For me, the answer came in a flash one early morning. But it took years of pushing through pain, of releasing self-doubt, of therapy and coaching, of quiet reflection, of asking for help, of forgiveness, and of re-learning.
And so my closing message to you is to persist. Not only does the universe want you to, but it’s waiting anxiously to reward you. Any path otherwise is one that someone else created for you. And we both know that the only right and true creator of your life, is you.
Keep going.
